Dear Phoney Fiance Read online

  I leaned back, my gaze narrowing in genuine surprise. “Oh?”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just as mortified as you. I had no idea about it until yesterday when they dropped it on my lap to let me know about this dinner date.”

  “I see.” My head was spinning.

  “So you were actually corresponding with my friends Rachel and Daisy — I know, it’s an awful breach of trust and I cringe with embarrassment, but all I can say in their defense is that they had good intentions. I came here tonight because I didn’t think it was fair to just ghost you. I hope you understand. I’m so sorry. Honestly, I didn’t even plan to sit down but then you were so nice and funny and our personalties sort of clicked and I couldn’t quite help myself.” She drew a short breath before blowing it out as if to remind herself why this needed to be done. “However, I’m just not ready to date. I’m a mess. There, I said it. I know Rachel and Daisy would say that I should keep that to myself but I think more people should be honest about their flaws that way we could decide for ourselves if we want to get involved with their drama, you know? Instead of discovering later, after our hearts are tangled up that they’re rotten, cheating bastards.” She winced. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that last part,” she said, biting her lip as if trying to catch the words after they’d already dropped from her mouth. “See? A total mess. This is why I don’t leave my room and why my friends thought it would be a good idea to make a dating profile for me, which clearly was a terrible idea.”

  I blinked. Whuut? Could she not be more perfect for what I need? She might as well have shown up with a fucking bow perched on top of her head. “That’s a lot to process,” I said, stalling for a minute.

  “Yeah, total overshare. I should’ve stuck with the business approach. No chit-chat. I was doing so well.”

  “No, no, I like this version of you.”

  Cara paused, blushing a little as she peered at me in question, “Are you sure you’re not mad?”

  “Mad? Why? You didn’t set this in motion.”

  “No, but some men might find this really insulting and a waste of their time, especially if they were hoping to find a match.”

  “Actually…” I couldn’t stop the slow smile that spread across my lips, which definitely wasn’t the reaction she was expecting. I probably looked like a serial lunatic. “I’m relieved.”

  “Relieved? Okay, now I’m confused.”

  I folded my arms on the table and leaned forward, admitting, “Here’s where I pony up my own confession.”

  Her frown darkened as her gaze narrowed. “Oh God, you have a girlfriend, don’t you? Or you’re already married or something. I knew it.”

  “Hell no,” I said, shutting that down quickly. “Nothing like that, I swear. I’m not a cheater. I’ve been on the receiving end of that equation and I’m not about that life, if you know what I mean.”

  Cara cast a sheepish look my way. “Egad, I pulled that trigger pretty fast, didn’t I? Cheating ex left behind some baggage that I’m still dragging around. Therapy is probably in my future. I’m waiting until my forties for a proper mid-life crisis to really get my money’s worth, though,” she said, that sharp wit returning.

  I nodded with mock appreciation. “Good idea. Pretty efficient.”

  “Okay, so what’s your big confession then? Did your friends set you up, too?” Her smile reached all the way to her eyes again and I was briefly mesmerized. Whoever her ex was — he was a fucking moron, that was for sure.

  “Not exactly,” I answered, chuckling. “But I’m not looking for what most people are looking for when they sign up for dating site.”

  “To run the risk of sounding preemptively alarmist…am I about to be grossed out? You know they have fetish websites out there if weird sex stuff is your kink. No judgment, just saying, your tribe is out there somewhere but you have to look in the right places. Is it armpit licking? Sniffing farts? There is an entire world of fetishes that…have I mentioned I watch a lot of late, very late, television?”

  I couldn’t stop the belly laugh that popped from my mouth. This chick was unreal. “I have not, nor am I currently interested in licking any armpits,” I assured her.

  “But farts are fair game? I also read that smelling your lover’s farts is good for your health but don’t ask me to cite my source because, again, it was late, and I might’ve been hallucinating.”

  “Nope not into farts either,” I said but added ruefully, “I’m starting to question if I’m too vanilla in the bedroom. Is that what women are after these days? Farts? Armpit licking? Hell, I’ve been out of the dating scene too long.”

  “Me too, brother, me too,” she commiserated. “But back on topic. I didn’t mean to derail you. You were saying…?”

  Fuck, it was way too easy to like her. Cara-With-The-Legs-For-Days was sick as shit. Funny, hot, quirky, and sharp, she made simple conversation a ticket-worthy event. What would it be like to have those legs wrapped around my waist? Hell, I’m pretty sure those legs would feel damn near perfect thrown over my shoulders as I buried myself balls deep inside her wet pussy.

  Annnnd, now my cock was fucking hard. Keep it clean, Jace and just put your damn cards on the table. “Okay, so here it is, the short version is this: my ex-fiancee is marrying my ex-best friend and they’ve asked me to be at the wedding. I need a hot plus one so I can show them both that I’ve moved on.”

  Cara’s mouth screwed into a pinched purse on my behalf. “Why didn’t you tell them to screw off?”

  “Trust me, I wanted to but it’s complicated. My buddy tricked me into coming to the party when they made their announcement and his entire family was there. His parents are good people and they don’t know the whole story of what went down or why I stopped coming around. They were like my own family. His mom was like a second mom to me and he knew I couldn’t say no if she was there. He manipulated the situation and it worked.”

  “That’s dirty,” Cara said.

  I agreed. “I wanted to kill him.”

  “So you said yes?”

  “Yeah but only because his mom is sick. The Big C.”

  “Damn.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, that’s how he got me to the damn party. I was only going to pop in, say hello to Marjorie and bail, but then he made this grand announcement and popped the question, putting me on the spot and Marjorie seemed so happy believing that me and Jordan had mended our differences that I didn’t have the balls to set her straight.”

  “That’s some messed up manipulation on his part,” Cara said.

  I nodded, fresh anger percolating through my veins at the memory of that fucking party but I shook it off. “But hey, Jordan will get his karma. He’s hitching his wagon to a faithless, soul-sucking, parasitic gold-digger and he’ll figure that out sooner or later. I guess in a way, I should thank him for taking her off my hands before she ruined me.”

  Cara considered my answer for a moment before asking, “So what do you need me for?”

  “Can I be blunt?”

  “I welcome it.”

  “I know it’s petty and stupid but I want to walk into that wedding with a hot plus one. I want my ex to know that I moved on to someone far better than she could ever be. I want to say that I’m above being that catty but I guess I’m not.”

  “I’ll give you points for honesty,” she said “but you’re right that’s pretty catty.”

  I laughed at her assessment, accepting judgment. “That’s fair.”

  “So…you think I’m hot?”

  “Fuck yes,” I blurted without any semblance of smooth jazz. If she were able to see the monster erection I was trying to hide she wouldn’t have to ask. I forced a laugh and tried shifting in the chair. “Well, yeah, but then, c’mon, you have to know you’re hot.”

  Her low, throaty laugh was sexy as fuck. She was playing with me but not in a mean-spirited way. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew I was sporting a boner big enough to serve as a coat rack. “Wouldn’t you rath
er bring someone you actually care about? Not someone you’re pretending to care about?” she asked.

  I cleared my throat to answer, “Sure, but the wedding is in two and a half weeks. I don’t have the time. Plus, I’m not sure I’m in the right place emotionally for anything more serious. I’d just want to get this nightmare wedding over with and move on without having to deal with any potential relationship fallout, you know?”

  Cara seemed to mull over my situation. Hell, haven’t we all done something petty when our hearts were hurting? Logic and reason were never found in the same bed when feelings were involved, right?

  “Do you still have feelings for your ex?”

  “If you mean revulsion? Yes.”

  Cara laughed. “You aren’t trying to win her back? Like make some grand declaration at the wedding so she chooses you at the last minute instead of your buddy?”

  “Like in some rom-com?” I said. “Fuck no. I sincerely want Jordan and Alyssa to grow old and miserable together. They deserve each other.”

  “Why do you think your friend asked you to be there in spite of the history between you?”

  “Honestly? To rub it in my face that he took my fiancee,” I answered. When it’d all gone down, that was the one thing that’d hurt the most — accepting that Jordan had held such deep-seated animosity all this time that he would hurt me where it would do the most damage. “Hell, if I’d thought that maybe he really loved Alyssa…maybe I could get past it all eventually, but deep down, I think it’s just a power play. He’s wagging his dick at me, proving that his is bigger.”

  “Men and their dicks,” Cara murmured with a faintly derisive smile.

  “Men and their dicks,” I repeated with the same derision.

  “So, are you down for this petty adventure of mine?” I asked, holding my breath. Please say yes. “I know it’s stupid and immature but you can always add it to the things you can talk to your therapist about during your scheduled mid-life crisis.”

  “It definitely fits the criteria for a potential ‘bad idea,’” she said with a contemplative nod. “Emotionally reckless, likely to blow up in our faces…I mean, the signs are all there.”

  “True, however, I’ve also read that bad judgment makes for good stories,” I said, trying to be helpful. “You want your future therapist to earn her fee, right?”

  “Hell yes,” Cara said. “To this point, I’ve only had one major emotional trauma, although, it really did mess me up mentally. To this day I can’t even watch porn.”

  “That’s a tragedy — and a story for another time.”

  “Indeed.”

  A long passed before Cara drew a deep breath before announcing with a solid shake of her head as if she couldn’t believe it herself, “Okay, I’m in” and I nearly jumped from my seat to plant a searing kiss on her sexy mouth.

  My grin stretched from ear to ear. “You are? You sure?”

  “Yeah…yeah, but you know what? If we’re going to pull this off, we gotta go all in. Otherwise, someone is going to call your bluff and you’ll end up looking pathetic. Plus, your friend is going to know if you just show up with some stranger on your arm. We have to put some effort into this game if we want to win.”

  “I like what you’re putting down,” I said, grinning. “What’s your strategy?”

  “I’m going to have to be more than just your hot, plus one — I have to be your hot, phoney fiancee.”

  Holy hell, she was right. The competitive glint in her gaze only served to harden my cock even more, which I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t know how I was going to walk out of the restaurant at this point without looking like a pervert but I didn’t care. “Are you sure?” I asked.

  She nodded. “Hey, it’s go big or go home. Let’s do this.”

  And that’s all I needed.

  “All right then.” I grinned. “Let’s fucking do this.”

  I’d just gotten ‘engaged.’

  I tiptoed into the house, trying not to wake up the girls but I should’ve known they were waiting up for me like two helicopter parents because they pounced the minute they heard the key in the lock.

  The light flicked on and I jumped, my heart clogging my throat.

  “You’ve been gone for hours,” Rachel said, pointing out the obvious, hungry for details. Gesturing for me to join them in the living room, she demanded, “Spill the tea, sis.”

  Daisy blinking and yawning, nodded in agreement. “Was he nice? Is he as cute as his profile? I hate when their profile pics don’t look anything like the real deal. It’s really rude, actually. Did I tell you about the time I met up with this guy from Blinker who was totally bald but his picture was from ten years ago and showed a full head of hair? I mean, own your truth, man. I would’ve been willing to date a bald guy if I’d known about it organically.”

  Rachel rolled her eyes. “Daisy, that’s what you get for trying to date anyone from Blinker. I told you that’s just asking for a STD.”

  “Yeah, it does seem to attract the worst,” Daisy admitted with another yawn. “Okay, so about your date…is he nice?”

  Should I come clean? I weighed the option of lying but my girls would find out sooner or later and I was lazy as fuck (not to mention a terrible liar) so I decided to just be honest. I plopped down on the sofa beside Daisy and she curled up next to me like a cat. (She was such a cuddler. I sure hope the man she ended up didn’t need personal space.) “Okay, funny story, and honestly, this serves you both right for doing something duplicitous in the first place but he wasn’t looking for a real relationship either.”

  Daisy gasped and shot up with a shocked expression. “Oh no! He had a girlfriend?”

  “I’ll punch him in the face,” Rachel promised and I have to quickly disabuse her of the idea that Jace was a dick before she went on a mission to destroy him.

  “No, I promise he’s a good guy but his situation is unusual.”

  “Unusual how?” Rachel asked with suspicion.

  I gave the girls a brief summary of Jace’s situation and as well as what I’d agreed to do for him and before they could protest, I bounced from the sofa with a bright, “Okay, well, that’s it, I’m exhausted, I’ll see you in the morning! Goodnight!”

  But, of course, they followed me like bloodhounds.

  “Only you would agree to something so stupid,” Rachel said, irritated. “Why didn’t you tell him no? Did you tell him that you’re still getting over your ex and that you’re barely functioning as an adult?”

  “No,” I said, glowering “because that’s not true.”

  “That’s a little harsh,” Daisy chastised Rachel. To me, she implored, “We just wanted you to have some fun. We’re worried this might end badly. What if you get feelings for this guy?”

  “I won’t,” I promised. “If anything, I’ll end up with a great friendship. You wanted me to get out more and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m actually looking forward to it.”

  Daisy exchanged an uncertain look with Rachel. “Well, it would be good to have some fun, even if it’s under false pretenses,” Daisy said. “As long as you know the ground rules.”

  “It’ll be fine. No one is going to get hurt,” I said. “Jace and I worked out all the rules. We won’t be having sex. Kissing is fine but sex is off the table. Trust me, we know what we’re doing. We just have to make it look convincing for his soul-sucking ex. And you know what, I started to think, this could work for me, too. I’m not above Drake seeing me living it up with someone else, too. I know he’s lurking on my social media, checking to see if I’m still crying my eyes out over him. Well, let him see me living my best life with someone else.”

  “That’s true,” Rachel admitted. “I, for one, would like to see you posting something other than that maudlin depressing poetry you seem to love to dig up about lost love.”

  “Sometimes a meme says what the heart can’t express,” I said, refusing to feel shamed but yeah, privately, maybe I had been a little excessive. I could j
ust imagine Drake feeling smug about my pain, thinking he was all that. But fuck that, he was going to feel a little less important to my mental health when he saw Jace in all his six-foot-four glory draped along my body for our social media posts, which we planned to post immediately. In fact, I pulled my cell phone out and showed the girls my Insta. “Look, we’ve already started. Our official ‘meet-cute.’”

  Rachel and Daisy peered at the selfie Jace and I posed for after dinner and I posted on my Instagram. “Adorbs, right?” And convincing, I might add. Reading out loud the caption, “Sometimes the unexpected happens at just the right time…”

  Rachel rolled her eyes. “Oh good grief.”

  But Daisy was charmed. “I think it’s really sweet.”

  “Yeah, if it were real,” Rachel said, shaking her head with a groan. “This is a terrible idea.”

  “I know how this must look from the other side of the window, but for the first since Drake blew up my world, I feel optimistic — a heady feeling, let me tell you. I guess I hadn’t realized how far I’d sunk into a dark place until this moment. I never thought I’d say this but, thank you for making that profile. Getting back out there and meeting new people was probably a smart thing.”

  Rachel frowned. “This wasn’t exactly what we had in mind but okay,” she said.

  “Probably not but I think this is going to be fun.”

  “Not if you get your heart broken worse,” Rachel countered, folding her arms across her chest.

  “That’s not going to happen,” I promised. “Jace and I are coming at this from the same angle with the same goal. He’s a great guy. You’ll really like him.”

  “So what happens after you play your part and the wedding is over?” Daisy asked, confused.

  “We go our separate ways,” I said, shrugging. “I hope we can retain a friendship but I’m not going to chase after him or anything. It’s a pretty chill arrangement.”